Host perspectives

The new ‘mundane’: hosts’ expectations around co-living[i]

Our research participants often told us that they initially assumed they would have much in common with people from Ukraine, considering they were European. They often felt they underestimated how many differences embedded in daily practices and priorities, values and norms, there would be. For example, relatively early on in our research, we noticed that people who had arrived from Ukraine began to acquire an image of being ‘ungrateful’. This ungratefulness was most often manifested through the lack of the use of ‘thank you’, and initially, for some, it created some confusion. However, quite a few people we talked to explained how they realised that not using the word ‘thank you’ was not about ‘ungratefulness’, but rather it related to ways of being and doing that were embedded in another [not UK based] context. A young woman we talked to, Sophie, told us that initially when she would offer Olga, the woman staying with them, a cup of tea or a biscuit, Olga would just say ‘no’. At first Sophie was taken aback by Olga’s abruptness. She expected something else, perhaps ‘no, thank you’. Quickly, she realised that Olga and her partner, Bohdan, were being direct, rather than ungrateful. Sophie also noticed that if things needed to happen inside or outside the house, she needed to change her language, drop the use of words such as ‘should’ or ‘could’ and replace them with the word ‘must’. Sophie said that ‘should’ ‘could’ and ‘would’ all suggested choice which often meant things would not get done. The word ‘must’, on the other hand, implied importance, or urgency of something needing to get done. Sophie concluded by saying that she needed to learn to ‘tone up her directness’, and asked Olga ‘to tone down hers’. Now when Sophie offers a cup of tea, Olga says ‘no, thank you’, while Sophie is learning to be more direct about her intentions.

Marcus, a man in his 60s, also conveyed a sense that something around gratitude initially felt somewhat confusing. He realised, however, that Daryna, the woman he and his wife Elizabeth were hosting together with her two children, was not rude, but just had different ways of seeing, living and being that derived from her experiences of life in a different social, political and economic context. To illustrate this point, he told us about a conversation around corruption he had with Daryna. From Marcus’ perspective, corruption was ‘damaging to any society’ and was ‘holding any country back because it is so corrosive of everything, at every level’. Daryna, on the other hand, thought that while overall corruption might be a bad thing, it was also a way to get things done. In the UK, because there was no way around the system, when things did not work to one’s own benefit, they just had to ‘grin and bear it’. These differences in perspective suggest that there is no single or right way to think about morality and values, and we cannot assume that we can all have a shared opinion, not even when it comes to practices one may consider ‘bad’, such as corruption.

In addition to sense of gratitude which shaped the experience of co-living, quite a few people also talked about how they found it stressful to figure out the best way around eating arrangements, especially when a whole family (as opposed to an individual) was being hosted. Elizabeth described it in the following way:

‘…naturally I would want to cook, and naturally I would want to host and provide wonderful meals, but then when you provide a meal, and they are like ‘ahmmmmmmm’ [making dissatisfied sounds]. And obviously that is fine, as that’s [a matter of] taste, it is not about being rude or anything. And then they would say ‘oh we are going to cook you this meal’. And they would cook us a dinner and then we would be ‘ahmmmmm’ [making dissatisfied sounds]. So there was a lot of trying to make it work, but it was not working… And after a few days we realised it was not working and we just separated it completely. And, actually, it has been much easier, they eat when they want, what they want, as they want, and we do the same. And for me, it may sound bizarre, but that was the most stressful bit. Because eating has always been the heart of the family and what we do together if the girls are home. It is very symbolic...’

In these few examples we consider how that which is ‘mundane’ matters. The ‘mundane’ - such as eating and food preparation, or how we speak (what we say and what not) - can be full of tensions, especially when shaped by new or unfamiliar values and expectations, as can be the case when people from different backgrounds come together into each other’s lives. This encounter makes the ‘mundane’ practices less familiar, and therefore less possible to take for granted. Now that which is considered ‘mundane’ needs special attention/consideration. Ultimately it is about finding ways to establish the new mundane through co-living that made the relationships work, or alternatively not.

In these few examples we consider how that which is ‘mundane’ matters. The ‘mundane’ - such as eating and food preparation, or how we speak (what we say and what not) - can be full of tensions, especially when shaped by new or unfamiliar values and expectations, as can be the case when people from different backgrounds come together into each other’s lives. This encounter makes the ‘mundane’ practices less familiar, and therefore less possible to take for granted. Now that which is considered ‘mundane’ needs special attention/consideration. Ultimately it is about finding ways to establish the new mundane through co-living that made the relationships work, or alternatively not.